Walking Backwards
by heart11broken
Summary: Riley gets older and suddenly things seem clearer than ever before. Unfortunately, it may be too late. Riley/Farkle and side Lucas/Maya. Riley-centric. Stand-alone companion to Tuesday.


**A/N: This is I how imagine early adulthood going for Riley Matthews. Our girl always has been a little slow on the uptake. :) Written in the same world as Tuesday, but you don't have to read it to understand this story! (You definitely should though). A Riley/Farkle story with lots of Lucas and Maya sprinkled in for good measure.**

When Riley is twenty-six, something changes.

She's standing in Pappy Joe's living room in Texas, staring at her best friend in a wedding dress, not quite white but not quite cream either, simple and flowy and exactly what Maya would be getting married in.

"Never in my life," Maya says with a smile. "Never in my life would I have ever imagined getting married in a barn."

"And yet here you are." Riley teases. "Exactly where you belong."

"Where I belong is married to Huckleberry." Maya reaches over to check the time on her phone.

"Peaches. Ten minutes. You can do it."

It is eight minutes later when Maya's mother comes back into the room, Shawn on her arm. "Are we ready ladies?"

"Someone is a little too ready," Riley teases, pointing to the bride-to-be.

"Ah, yes," Shawn responds, letting Katy go. "Maya, are you ready?" He offers out his arm.

Riley watches as her best friend begins to tear up. "Of course I'm ready, D-Dad." The words tumble out.

Shawn freezes. A smile begins to grow on his face, and he reaches out and hugs Maya tightly. "I love you, sweetheart. And I am so happy for you."

"Not even in the barn yet, and I'm already crying," Maya comments, running a finger under her eyes.

Topanga enters the room, smiling at her surrogate daughter and childhood best friend. "If you're all ready, there's a very nervous and very excited young man waiting in a barn to see you."

The ladies and Shawn leave the house together, Topanga moving ahead to warn the start of the procession. In the end, they've kept the wedding party small, with just Maya's old roommate, Riley, Smackle and their mothers serving as bridesmaids, while Zay, Farkle, and a few of Lucas' friends from college are his attendants. Riley enters just before Maya as maid of honor, and only after checking Maya's appearance three times.

"Riles, go, I'm fine," Maya smiles impatiently. "I just want to marry him."

"I love you and I'm so happy for you two." Riley tells her, giving her a warm hug. She grabs her bouquet and enters the barn.

A sea of faces greet her, and she takes a moment to glance at the hard work she and others have put into the barn. Soft fall colors are everywhere, and the flowers lining the chairs perfectly match them. She sees her father mouthing 'you look beautiful' towards the front, along with Auggie, who sticks his tongue out at her. Her eyes reach the front.

Lucas is standing there in a soft gray tux, smiling harder than Riley's ever seen him. He winks at her as she catches his eye, and she grins back at him. She sees the other bridesmaids to one side of him and smiles at each of them in turn, before glancing over to her male friends.

Farkle.

Her stomach drops and all of a sudden, everything is hazy, because she's walking down the aisle, and he's at the end of it looking handsome and tall in a blue shirt just like Lucas' and a cute green bowtie with matching suspenders. His hair is gelled the same way he's done it for years, but she notices for the first time how it's started to accent the way his face has matured with age, light facial hair and jaw muscles prominent above his chin. She can't stop staring at him, because all of a sudden the solitary journey she's been on for who knows how long is beginning to make sense. He's Farkle, just like he's always been, and she's Riley and for some reason, walking down a wedding aisle to him makes more sense than anything in her life ever has.

But it's too late.

* * *

" _Maya Penelope Hart Friar."_

" _What?"_

" _Something happened last week at your wedding and I didn't want to tell you and detract from your day."_

" _What?"_

" _When I was walking down the aisle, I saw Farkle, and something in me just snapped, and Maya-I-think-I-might-be-in-love-with-Farkle."_

" _Riley, there's something you should know."_

* * *

Two months and eight days after her best friend becomes a married woman, Riley accepts teaching assistant position for a grad program in the UK.

"Why are you leaving me?" Maya asks sadly one day, sitting in Riley's half-packed studio apartment on the Upper West side. Riley's done fairly well for herself since college, though school psychology is not the most lucrative career, it's provided a steady income, and getting a Ph.D in England is certainly the boldest move she's made, possibly in her lifetime.

Lucas groans. "Maya, I thought we talked about being supportive of our friend."

Maya sighs. "Huck, do you want her to leave?"

"I want her to be happy, and if this is going to make her happy, then so be it," he insists firmly, taping together another box.

"I have to do this Maya." She says, sitting on her half-covered blue couch. "I've been stuck in a limbo for way too long, and it's time to get out. Besides, we already live over a thousand miles apart, what's a few thousand more?"

Maya drops down next to her. "It was nice to know that I _could_ drive to you, if I wanted. Look, I get it. I really do. It's not like Lucas and I can do you much good from Texas, and I know you and Zay have been weird ever since you broke up and watching Farkle get married is going to suck, I'm just going to miss you even more than I already do."

Riley frowns. "I'm going to miss you guys too. We're still going to talk all the time, you know that, right?"

"We know," Lucas answers with a smile. "And even if you try not to, your parents call us at least every other week so we'll know why you're avoiding us."

Riley chuckles. "Good old Cory and Topanga."

"They told me that you're doing what's best for you," Maya turns to face her. "That you want to become Riley Matthews, the independent self-sufficient human being."

"That's what I told them," she acknowledges. "That's the goal."

Lucas sits on the coffee table to face them. "Riley, you're going to be a great T.A. and an even better psychologist. You're going to have an amazing time in England and see some really cool things and whenever we get the chance the missus"- he cocks his head at Maya, who winks at him- "and I are going to go over and visit you and hear about all the amazing things you're doing."

Riley hopes he's right, more than anything, she wants adventure, but she can't help the small feeling going down her spine, the feeling that she wants someone to share it with.

* * *

" _So how was your first two days?"_

" _It was incredible, Maya. I'm still in London until Thursday, but I've seen Buckingham Palace and Big Ben and last night I learned what a pint really is."_

" _That's my girl. Letting go of all the nonsense from back home?"_

" _Trying, anyway. It's still there, but….it's getting better."_

* * *

The angry phone call comes, as she expected, a week after she mails her RSVP to Farkle's apartment in Massachusetts.

"You're not coming to my wedding?" Farkle accuses angrily.

"I just can't, okay?"

"It's not during the semester, even for you."

"I know."

"It's not on a weekday."

"I know."

"Your job is during the semester."

"I know."

"Then what the _hell_ "- she winces at his rare use of a curse word "is keeping you from coming to my wedding? You are my _best friend_ , Riley."

She hesitates, not knowing how to respond. He's hurt, and doesn't understand why she's been avoiding him for months now. They've been friends since they were small children and they've always been there for each other, and of course he doesn't get why his best friend wouldn't want to be at the biggest day of his life.

Her name is Lainey. Riley had met her a few months before the wedding and completely forgotten about it. She's a writer and a Harvard grad, and probably everything Farkle's ever hoped for in a girl. She's lovely and petite, just like Farkle, and like him, she comes from a family of old money. Riley's never wished ill on anyone, but she just wishes Lainey could be happy with _anyone_ else, because Farkle is her friend and it's been that way as long as she can remember and Riley was his friend during his turtleneck phase and his Donnie Barnes phase and why does he have to find happiness now?

"Riley, it's just disappointing. Have I ever missed an opportunity to be there for you?"

"No," she answers in a small voice.

"That's what I thought."

* * *

" _He just doesn't get it."_

" _I know, Riles, but have you given him a chance to?"_

" _I can't do that to him, not when he's proposed and made plans and mailed out invitations."_

" _Riley, listen to me". Lucas' voice comes through clearly. "Don't you think it's better for him to hear it now than after he gets married?"_

* * *

He shows up in April.

Riley has now been living Cambridge for nearly three months. She's been avoiding everyone's calls, not just Farkle's, though she still talks to Maya at least once a week.

Maya and Lucas are happy. Happier than they've ever been, Riley admits to herself, despite the fact that she's living an ocean away. Lucas has joined an animal hospital in Austin, while Maya has made artsy friends in the city and formed a studio. They've bought a house out of the city with more grass than Maya ever saw in her entire childhood, and despite the fact that Maya actively complained when she moved to Austin, Riley's pretty sure Maya thinks she's gotten everything she could have dreamed of.

She and Zay are finally on good terms, after nearly five years of avoiding each other. Riley has a sneaking suspicion that it has to do with the new girl he's seeing, a sweet thing named Denise who's a few years younger and can talk football just as well as he can. She hasn't told him about the Farkle thing, but she's pretty sure he knows all the same, and she's grateful when he doesn't bring up their friend and his upcoming nuptials.

Farkle's wedding is a month away. Riley knows only what she's asked Maya specifically, but from what she understands, the whole affair will be very upscale, a wedding of two families of means. She refuses to tell herself that the sickening feeling in her stomach has nothing to do with the memory of Farkle standing in a decorated barn in front of her.

She hears a knock on the door at half past four one Saturday afternoon late in the semester, when she's alternating between grading essays and writing her own. Confused, she checks her phone, finding no text warning of a friend arriving.

She glances through the peephole, and her heart leaps up when she sees her second-oldest friend on the other side. Scrambling to open the door, she looks down at her sweatpants and white v-neck and groans. "What are you doing here?"

"Hi, Riley, it's great to see you too," Farkle retorts, visibly upset. "Can I come in?"

"Yes," Riley moves to allow him through the door. He strolls inside, hands stuck inside a pair of light-washed jeans. He pauses to look around Riley's new home, a small studio "flat" not far from the university with windows giving a beautiful view of the River Cam. He nods approvingly seeing a shelf of books of her old favorites, containing at least three volumes that he himself had given her.

He turns back to her. "You changed your hair." She nods, shaking her long bob that falls just above her shoulders.

"Just felt like time." He nods, looking around again. "Farkle….Lainey knows you're here, right?"

He closes his eyes briefly. "She knows I'm in London, yes."

After a few more minutes of awkwardness, she finally proposes to show him around the campus. They go, sharing small details of their lives that they've missed out on in the past few months. Farkle attempts to tell her about molecules he's trying to split and other things that go way over her head, and she relates a funny story about getting a paper back that has no grade other than 'Learn Real English' and having to learn how to fix reset the American-English dictionary in her laptop to a British-English one. She shows him her favorite tree to sit under, and takes him by the beautiful bay-window she found in one of the oldest buildings.

The sky is nearly dark by the time they realize how hungry they are, and they go to Riley's favorite café down the street from her building. They spend another two hours arguing over various international cuisine, firmly agreeing British food is in last place and earning a few dirty looks from the other patrons. It's nearly eleven when the café finally closes and Farkle mentions he should probably head back.

He walks her back to her flat, despite her insistence that she can make it on her own, and runs in with her to use the 'loo'. She finds herself staring at the books he bought her, a few that were gifts nearly two decades ago, and when he comes back into the main room, she finds her mouth opening of its own accord.

"Farkle, why did you come here?"

"I don't know what I was expecting," he mutters. "I just missed you, I guess." He walks towards the door. "Riley, are you happy?"

"I-I'm working on it." She steps towards him, intent on hugging him goodbye, and she's taken aback when he moves to tower over her.

"Riley." He stares down at her expectantly, looking through her in a way that makes her shudder. She's never hid anything this big from Farkle. She's never been able to. But this, this she can't do, can't take away his happiness, not when he's done so much for her. Her eyes flip momentarily to his lips, so close, too close, and she's not the type to ever kiss another woman's man but she thinks if he doesn't back off soon she might find out what that type is. He's looking at her so firmly that she thinks for a moment that he knows, but he couldn't possibly know now, not so far into their friendship, not after all the times she's hurt him.

She's not going to hurt him again.

"It's good to see you, really. I'm sure your wedding is going to be wonderful."

In that moment, she's not sure she's ever seen Farkle Minkus look so defeated. "Thanks Riley," he says eventually. "We'll have to tell you about it."

As soon as she shuts the door behind him, she bursts into tears.

* * *

" _Riley, please answer your phone. Nobody's heard from you in almost two weeks. Lucas and I are worried about you. Your parents are worried about you. I know you're hurting and you're afraid, but it's going to be okay, I promise. We love you and we want to be there for you."_

" _Hey Peaches, it's me. I love all of you, and I'm going to be fine, eventually, I just- I need more time."_

* * *

The night of Farkle's wedding, Riley is sitting on the floor of her flat, sobbing while watching _My Best Friend's Wedding_ on repeat. There's an open bag of chocolates in front of her and and a dozen used tissues. Riley's pretty sure she moved to England precisely so she wouldn't be this girl anymore, but she can't help it and today of all days she's forgiving herself for being who she is.

She should be happy. Her 'quarter-life crisis', as Maya has dubbed it, is for all intents and purposes a success. She loves her position. She loves Cambridge, her new home, and she's even gone on a few dates with men with cute accents. She's found a few single friends her age in the area, and they meet weekly to drink wine and complain about their lives.

She is under no delusions about the root of her feelings. No matter how much she'd wanted it as a child, she was not part of a 'Cory and Topanga' and she never would be. She was already seven years older than her parents had been when they were married, and five years older than her mother had been when she gave birth to Riley.

Riley had been fine with all of this. She'd been ready to move on, ready to accept her new life in Britain, new friends and new school and new city.

Until Farkle invaded it all.

Suddenly even the sidewalk is tainted, marred by the time they spent talking not so long ago, and it brings up old memories of New York sidewalks and childhood and all the times Riley should have realized what was in front of her and she didn't.

Now she has to find new places to go, a new restaurant and new campus hiding spots and quite possibly a new flat at this point, because Farkle Minkus is getting married today, could be married already, and the idea makes her want to fill everything she owns with tears.

Maya and Lucas, much as they try, are no help. There are some things a happily married couple can't do, and one of them is consoling a broken-hearted single woman when she believes she'll never find a true love. Sometimes she thinks the Friars are the true Cory and Topanga of their age. Maya tends to snort at the idea, but Riley has seen the way Maya glows when Lucas tells stories of saving horses on the brink of death, and she's pretty sure it's the same look Maya had when he got a home run in baseball way back in high school. Her parents are out, for obvious reasons, and unless she wants advice in the latest filming technology from her little brother, he's out as well. She knows it's common for women to find themselves the last single person in their group of friends.

It doesn't make the feeling any easier.

* * *

" _It was ridiculously fancy. Like, way trying too hard fancy."_

" _I'm sure it was beautiful."_

" _I won't lie, it was, but it also was very un-Farkle."_

" _I'm sure he gave Lainey the chance to have everything she dreamed of."_

" _Oh I'm sure he did, but I don't think he gave much of anything of himself."_

* * *

Despite everything she feels, in the year that follows Farkle's wedding, Riley finds herself becoming friends with him again.

She thinks she probably shouldn't be surprised, they've known each other for too long to be cut out of each other's lives without a second thought, still, it's almost amusing how fast they slip into a regular schedule of communicating.

She feels guilty, too; Farkle still doesn't understand why she seemingly skipped out on the biggest day of his life, and she wonders if it's okay to be emailing a married man on a weekly basis. She inquires to it two months after the communication starts and he insists that Lainey knows and is absolutely okay with it.

Her uneasiness is confirmed one day in the middle of August when Maya and Lucas come to visit for the first time.

"This place is amazing, Riles," Maya gushes, sitting on her couch one gloomy afternoon. "Maybe I'll leave Sundance and come live with you. Do they do an art doctorate?"

Lucas rolls his eyes and tightens his arm around her. "Is it safe? Is this a good area?"

"Yes, Lucas," Riley reassures him. "Farkle asked that at least seven times when he came to visit." The words slip out, and the bewildered expressions on her friends' faces remind her that she hadn't mentioned the visit before. "He came to see me, before the wedding."

They shift uncomfortably, an awkward pause follows. "What did he have to say?" Lucas asks eventually, looking nervous about the answer.

"Not much honestly, he almost looked like he was just waiting for me to say something. We walked around the city and ate a meal and then he left. I didn't even see him for a full day."

"Riley, we didn't know if we should tell you, but- there was a period there, right before the wedding, that we thought he might not go through with it." Riley feels her heart move somewhere deep inside her chest, tears threatening to follow. "Then one day, everything seemed to change. He was more involved with planning. He was completely committed. Lainey didn't know what had happened, just said he'd taken a business trip and come back with a new energy."

The tears begin to emerge. She'd long sense gained more control over her emotions than she'd had as a child, but with two of her closest friends, she feels safer than she has in months. "Hey," Maya says softly, reaching over to comb through her hair. "It's going to be okay, I promise. I know this is all going to work out somehow."

"Tell me something good," Riley sniffs, "Something I can hold on to."

"Well," Lucas starts, looking over to Maya. She nods. "We know we've only been married for a little less than a year, and haven't lived in our house all that long, and we're still figuring things out, but…."

Maya smiles, a deep, wonderful glow coming around her like a curtain, and she grabs Riley's hand. "Riley, we're going to have a baby."

* * *

" _So which is it? Am I buying cute little ballet flats or little teeny footballs?"_

" _Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that the first Friar baby will be a girl."_

" _Yay! Any ideas about the name?"_

" _Well, we were thinking about Elizabeth Riley Friar."_

* * *

Time passes. Seasons change.

Riley finishes her doctorate after four years of hard work, and immediately accepts a position back at NYU. It's been a long time, but it's still home, and she relishes the opportunity to return to it. She's missed far too much, including the birth of her goddaughter, a beautiful little girl with Lucas' eyes and Maya's nose and both of their sass. She actually briefly considers working at UT Austin before realizing the NYU job is too good to pass up, and agreeing to begin teaching an introductory course in the fall, leaving her time to do independent research.

Moving home is strange. Everything and everyone are mostly the same, but a little bit different. Cory and Topanga have celebrated an early retirement and moved back to Philadelphia, allowing her to sublet their apartment in the city. Auggie has fallen in love for the…Third? Fourth? time, and gone on a six month long expedition down the Appalachian Trail with his college friends. Maya and Lucas are better than ever, with Lucas getting a promotion at the hospital and Maya alternating between taking care of her daughter and putting her art history degree to good use buying pieces for a new museum in Austin. Zay isn't married yet but Riley figures he might as well be, since he's living with Denise in Soho and they're discussing moving to Vancouver together.

Then there's Farkle, of course. He and Lainey are in New York now as well, now that Farkle's on the tenure track at Columbia. The friends not named Friar gather every other week on Sundays to have dinner at their beautiful top floor apartment, where all the rooms are white and many of the chairs are not for sitting. Riley's glad to have Zay, Denise and Smackle as buffers, though her discomfort is still present every time she enters the apartment.

It's been four years, but when you have a lifetime of missed chances behind you, four years can seem like no time at all.

"I think we're out of ice, darling," Lainey coos. It's the annual Minkus Christmas Eve party, and everyone, including her parents, and even Maya and Lucas are there to celebrate. Farkle frowns from the counter, where he's been preparing another batch of Irish egg nog.

"I'll get some," Riley offers. She's already been at the apartment for hours, setting up before the party began and making small Christmas gifts with Smackle. The pair have formed a steady friendship now that Smackle's back in New York, taking her first post-residency job at one of New York's big hospitals.

"Oh sweetie you don't have to do that, the weather outside is dreadful," Lainey insists. "It's been snowing for hours."

"Why don't I go with her?" Farkle says, already wiping his hands and attempting to clean himself up.

"Perfect." Riley follows Farkle past the party guests, many of whom are distracted by the sight of little Eliza trying to play the piano with Denise. They chat aimlessly on the elevator down, discussing whether or not"Imagine" by John Lennon should really be considered a Christmas song, before they reach the bottom floor and step into the crisp December air.

"Yikes," Riley mutters, mostly to herself, wrapping her green scarf tighter around herself. She sticks her hands deep into her coat pockets.

"Sorry," Farkle apologizes, offering his gloves to her. She shakes her head. "It's been nice having you back on the continent."

Riley grins. "Nice to be back. I'd forgotten how bad winters get, though, over in Cambridge it's never that cold and never all that warm."

Farkle nods, and they cross the street towards the nearest drug store. "I hope they have more ice."

Riley nods back, and a silence comes over both of them. They turn a corner after a moment, and Riley lets out a small gasp.

Farkle smacks his forward. "I should have known to tell you to come here!" The entire block, one whole city block in New York, is covered, ground to sky, in Christmas decorations. Riley knows it's more of an indication of the part of the city that Farkle lives in, but she's enthralled by it anyway, taking in every light and tree as it if is her last. She lets Farkle drag her to the small contribution he made, a donation towards the Children's Science Museum tree that's covered in beakers and fake chemicals and little chalkboards covered in masks. She teases him for a moment.

"How is everything with you, Farkle?" She asks distractedly. "I feel like none of us have really asked that lately."

He pauses. "It's been different." She raises an eyebrow at him and he shrugs half-heartedly. "I knew marriage would be a different world, but it's just not at all what I expected."

She's surprised. It's been over three years since he got married now, and never has he or any of their other friends mentioned that there were any issues, not since Maya and Lucas mentioned he'd almost called off the wedding nearly four years ago. "How so?"

"I don't know," he admits. "Lainey is great, and I feel like I don't deserve her."

"Of course you do," she insists. "You're such a great guy, Farkle, anyone would be lucky to have you."

He closes his eyes as they reach another Christmas tree, strangely covered in Hanukkah decorations, and he's quiet. "Do you ever feel like your life is a puzzle, and you keep trying to put the wrong pieces together?"

"All the time," Riley agrees, stopping to look him in the eyes. "Farkle, how long have you felt this way?"

"Always? A little bit?" His response is more of a question. "There's never been that much in my life that makes all that much sense. And I think part of it is just starting to get older, wondering if your life has taken the trajectory that you always wanted it to." They begin to walk again, coming across an older man with an old-fashioned Polaroid camera.

"Would you two like your picture taken for the holidays?" He asks kindly.

"Sure," Farkle answers with a wink to Riley. Riley keeps her hands firmly shoved into her pockets, but Farkle swings his left arm around her, and they smile into the camera. After a minute, the man hands the picture to Farkle.

"Happy holidays to you sir, you and your wife look lovely together." He steps off towards another group.

"I'm not…" Riley starts, but the man is already gone. She looks down at the picture, seeing an older version of herself and Farkle than she expects to see.

"It's been forever since we got a picture taken together," Farkle realizes. "We're getting old." When Riley fails to respond, he pulls her shoulder to look at her. "Riley, don't worry about it. He doesn't know us."

"It's not that," Riley says quietly. The man's words echo in her ears, and finally she's had enough. Farkle looks at her for a moment longer before sliding the picture into her pocket. "Farkle...there's something I should probably tell you…"

"Lainey is pregnant," he interrupts. "I'm going to be a father."

"I love you," Riley finishes, before she has time to process his words. He stares at the ground. "Oh my god." All in one second, what's left of her heart turns to dust. He doesn't flinch.

"You should probably keep that," he says, pointing to the picture, and she nods, walking away from him with tears in her eyes. She doesn't go back.

* * *

" _Are you on your way over yet?"_

" _Yes, Lucas just has to get Eliza and her thousands of gifts into the car so we can head to the airport from your place."_

" _Maya?"_

" _Riley?"_

" _I'm so tired of being alone."_

* * *

Sometimes, Riley thinks about the past.

There was a time, even before Maya's and Lucas' wedding, that something could have happened between Farkle and her, and her mind replays that time more often than she'd prefer.

It was a year after her college graduation, not long after she'd broken up with Zay and begun her first professional job at a New York public school. Maya was alternating her time between New York and Austin at that time while Lucas started veterinary school, and the pair of them (occasionally accompanied by Smackle) spent as much time together as they could, trying to catch up on everything they'd missed while attending separate colleges.

She had loved hearing about how Lucas and Maya had found their way to one another, how Lucas had shown up at Maya's school after flying in on a weekday afternoon right before finals because he couldn't wait another day to tell her how much he loved her. Their following relationship had begun in a rocky place, as they figured out how to transfer their repressed emotions and physical history into a healthy, adult partnership.

At the time, it had made her think about Farkle. Her own dear friend. She knew it was different, but there were times at the beginning of college that Riley had bared her soul to Farkle, her fears and ambitions and everything she saw in the world, and he'd done the same for her. She'd never considered him in a romantic way, he'd always been her sweet nerdy friend Farkle and she'd been his awkward, overly-excited friend Riley. Even though she fully admitted that college had looked very good on him, she'd admired him purely from an aesthetic standpoint. Every time he came up in her thoughts, though, she completely dismissed it.

On just one day, these thoughts turned into actions.

It was June, and the bars of New York were crowded with college students celebrating the end of a successful school year. Farkle had just finished his first year of his grad program, and he and Lucas were eager to celebrate their own achievements, so she and Maya had agreed to host a small get-together at their small apartment. Zay had come late, left early, and avoided talking to her as much as possible, Smackle hadn't been able to make it at all, and when Lucas and Maya retired for the evening, she and Farkle had been the last two twenty-three year olds standing.

" _Riley, you had less to drink than I did, how are you so far gone?" Farkle teases._

 _She blinks slowly, then several times at once. "I-I don't know, but it makes me think," she points with each word, "that maybe you did a little too much partying at MIT. You have too much tolerance."_

" _Riley, you know pretty much everything I did at MIT," Farkle smiles, patting her on the back as he sits next to her on the couch. "I'm just a bigger human than you. I can take more."_

" _Why are we such good friends, Farks?" It's the worst nickname he's ever heard, and he chuckles a bit before answering._

" _Because I can talk to you about anything," he answers. "Because we can have fun together no matter what we're doing."_

" _We should date," Riley announces and Farkle freezes. "We should be like Lucas and Maya."_

" _Riley, you're drunk, you don't know what you're saying, you're not going to remember this," Farkle replies patiently._

" _Yes I do! I've put a lot of thought into this, and I think we should kiss," Riley insists._

" _I don't think that's such a good idea-ooomph," he's silenced when she leans over and plants her mouth on his. He resists for just a moment._

 _Her kisses are soft. He begins to kiss back, cupping one of her cheeks in his hand and using his other to slide behind her hair. Every move he makes is slow and calculated, tender and affectionate. Their motions together are seamless. A couple minutes later, she pulls away._

" _Let's go eat cookies!" She suggests, excited, and stumbles off to the kitchen. Farkle buries his head in his hands._

Despite what he'd said at the time, she remembers the night clearly, and she'd woken up the following morning full of embarrassment. What she can't remember, no matter how hard she tries, is how it felt to kiss Farkle.

* * *

" _So what was this guy's name, anyway?"_

" _Jeremy."_

" _Do you think you'll go out with him again?"_

" _Probably not. Just have to keep looking."_

" _Riley….."_

" _Just-please don't say it."_

* * *

She hasn't been able to face him in three months when she hears about the miscarriage.

It's common, they say. One in every four women. Riley doesn't know how to feel. She's certainly not happy. Mostly, she just feels numb.

Soon after, she takes a trip down to Philly to see her parents. They're in a rough place- after one hundred and two years on the earth, Mr. Feeny has finally passed away. Maya's parents are there too, and between Cory, Shawn and Topanga, thee group of older adults is in a pretty rough place.

"I guess I just honestly believed he'd never die," Cory says to Topanga. It's been three days the funeral, and it's the first time Cory has brought his favorite teacher up. "Or at least that he'd make it longer than us." Riley squeezes his shoulder.

"Riley, please tell us something hip and young that will cheer us up," Shawn begs. They're sitting in the living room of Cory's childhood home, a place where Riley has always found warmth and comfort. She desperately needs it now.

"Well, you know about Farkle and Lainey's baby," she says softly. "But that's not cheerful. Uh, Zay and Denise are finally getting married. I get to teach an experimental Psych class next semester. I finally got rid of Dad's ugly globe tie."

"You what?!" Cory exclaims. "That tie has sentimental value!"

"Dad, you moved out of the apartment and left it there," Riley answers.

He splutters. "Oh, and I suppose I should take the furniture out too- and the windows, and the doors, and…"

"Cory, you don't need it anymore," Topanga answers patiently, before mouthing _thank you_ at her daughter. "Riley, have you heard from your brother lately?"

They're interrupted by a knock on the door. Shawn lifts himself up and walks over to answer it. "Minkus," he says, astonished as always.

"We just returned from Europe to the terrible news, and we knew we had to come see our old friends," Riley hears the voice of Farkle's father, the always slightly pretentious Stuart Minkus. "Besides, our son's having a rough month, and since his classes are on spring recess we figured we'd take him out of New York for a while."

Riley shuts her eyes tightly, willing the moment away. "Hey Riley," she hears.

"Farkle." She opens one eye at a time to see her best friend standing in front of her.

"Would you want to go for a walk with me and talk?"

They excuse themselves and leave the house, beginning to travel around the neighborhood that their parents once knew as home. There's an invisible barrier between them that she doesn't know how to break, and so they make small talk, pointing out places they've heard stories about and places where they've made their own memories at one point or another.

"How are you doing?" She asks after a long time.

"Not great," he admits. "I've been trying not to think too much and just do, which has never worked out well for me." She's at a loss for words. "When was somebody going to tell me that Maya and Lucas are having another baby?"

"They just found out. They didn't think it was a good idea, not with….what happened."

"I don't like it when my friends don't tell me things, when they feel like they have to hold things from me. I'm not dumb, Riley, I pick things up."

She knows they're not talking about Maya and Lucas anymore. "Maybe they just wanted to spare you from something that might upset you."

"Until the time is more convenient for them? Even if it's far worse for me?" He almost laughs, and the look on his face makes Riley all the more nervous. "Riley, I'm getting a divorce."

Her mind goes blank and she thinks she's never felt so low and so high at one time in her entire life. "Why?"

"Oh come on, you know. Everyone knows. I should have never gotten married in the first place. We weren't right for each other. The baby was the only thing holding us together." Farkle walks faster now, and they turn the corner back onto the Matthews' street.

"I'm so sorry, Farkle."

"Don't," Farkle says sharply. "Don't do that." He stops in the middle of the road, and turns his body to look at her. His eyes are red. There are circles under his eyes indicating that he hasn't slept well in days, and his eyebrows show his anger and frustration. "Riley, you had no right to tell me that you loved me."

She knows he's right, but she feels herself growing defensive all the same. "I didn't mean to! I've been trying for _forever_ to hold it in, and I just couldn't anymore."

"Why would you keep that from me? Why wouldn't you tell me something that important years ago? We are thirty-one years old, Riley, you've had _two decades_ to tell me that."

"I didn't know until it was too late, and then…"

"And when I came to England? What about then?" He's breathing down at her now, and they're in broad daylight in a public place but she can't focus on any of that because the love of her life is angry and hurting and it makes her feel sad in a way she's never experienced before in her entire life.

"Farkle, please don't do this."

"Do what? Be honest with you? Tell you how I'm feeling? Well guess what, Riley Matthews, I'm not you and I'm going to be honest with how I feel." He begins pacing up and down the sidewalk. "Riley, I loved you. I loved you from the day we met, and maybe I didn't know what that meant back then but we got older and the feeling stayed, and all I ever wanted to do is make sure nobody ever hurt you and kept you from being happy. Even when we kis…." He cut himself off.

"We kissed? I remember it, Farkle."

He's indignant. "Another thing you never told me. Well yes, we kissed. It was probably the best and worst moment of my life, because no other kiss had ever felt like that, and I couldn't talk to my best friend about it and that sucked. I thought surely if it meant anything to you you'd remember it. But time went on. I met Lainey, and she was kind. She saw me in a way no girl has ever seen me before, like I was really a man worth pursuing. But no matter what I did, I couldn't keep you from being at the back of my mind. And when I received a card telling me my best friend, who's been there for me no matter what for as long as I can remember, wasn't going to be at my wedding, I finally realized what had been staring me in the face for all that time. Riley, how long have you been in love with me?"

She doesn't answer for a time, immaturely wishing she could run away before gaining the courage to respond."Consciously? Since Maya's and Lucas' wedding. Subconsciously? Probably a lot longer than that. It might even have been a reason Zay and I broke up," she confesses. She waits for him to continue ranting, feeling very much like a toddler in time-out.

"Then I went to England, because I wanted to give you a chance. One more chance to tell me what I knew and Maya knew and Lucas and your parents and everybody has known for the longest time. One more chance to tell me that you loved me. And you didn't."

"I thought you deserved better than me. I thought I owed you a sacrifice, after everything you've done for me." She speaks lightly and cautiously.

"I just wish you'd given me the chance to make that choice for myself." His eyes flicker back toward the house before he continues. "So I tried to forget you. I really did. But much as I wanted to, I couldn't imagine my life without you in at least part of it, so I started emailing you. I made sure Lainey knew, because I was still an honorable man, at least in my own head, but damn, Riley, I just couldn't let go of you. When you moved back and I finally started seeing you on a regular basis again, I knew that something was going to have to change." He sighs deeply. "Then she was pregnant. I had no idea what to do. I wanted the baby to have a chance to grow up in a normal, adjusted household. Then you decided that, three years into my marriage, it was about time to confess your feelings." He's angry again.

"Farkle I didn't mean to," she insists, growing upset.

"How do you accidentally tell someone you love them? Did it slip out? Do you accidentally tell the teenager at the grocery store you love him? Do you accidentally say it to your students at NYU? Where does this foot in mouth disease end?"

Tears come to her again, and it's a first. She's cried because of Farkle before, yes. But for the first time, Farkle is the one making her cry. She doesn't recognize the broken man in front of her, and it scares her. "Well you can forget all about it, because I think I was wrong. I don't even think I know you anymore, Farkle." She turns on her heel and marches back to the Matthews' house.

* * *

" _Not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you coming down again?"_

" _Well the semester's starting in about a month, and God, I have to get out of this city. Maya. None of it has good memories anymore."_

" _Lucas has been talking to him, you know. Seems like it's almost every day. He's not doing well, Riles."_

" _Good. Neither am I."_

* * *

She's been hiding out at Lucas and Maya's house for three weeks when he shows up.

Riley's spending her days with her goddaughter, running around and playing pretend with her and trying to explain-without-explaining how the new baby got in Mommy's belly, and she feels more at peace than she's felt in a long, long time. She's not happy, but she can have peace, even when she returns to the city in a few days.

She's reached a stage in adulthood when she's beginning to imagine living her whole life as a 'lonely old maid', as she describes it to Maya, and though Maya laughs and insists she won't, she thinks Maya can't possibly understand. Riley thinks it's sort of a poetic trade, that Riley always dreamed of finding a young prince in her teenage years, marrying young like her parents and living happily ever after, while Maya feared never getting anything that might make her happy, and yet Maya found herself happily involved by the time she was twenty-one. Yes, she's jealous, but she's also so glad for her friend, giving her own daughter everything she could never have as a child.

But she learns some other things, too. She learns things Maya never told her about how hard it was for them in the beginning. How sometimes people who are stubborn, as she and Lucas are, can let their heads get the best of them. How hard it was for them in their first few years as a couple to live so far apart, especially when all they'd ever known as children were broken relationships and distrust. How they've had to work on their marriage every single day, and how sacrifices and compromises have made them better people. The time Riley spends with her friends allows her to see as she never had from afar.

Maya has even learned how to cook some of Lucas' favorite foods, and so on a sweltering June night in Texas, Riley is stringing beans with her best friend, casually watching the season twenty-something finale of _The Bachelorette_ while Lucas puts Eliza to bed.

"I'm not kidding you, I think he's on drugs," Maya proclaims, pointing at one of the men on the episode.

"Surely they screen for those things in the audition process… right?" Riley keeps her eyes focused on the work she's doing.

They hear the front door open, and Maya frowns, checking the time on her phone. "Shoot. Look Riley, there's something I didn't tell you."

Farkle walks into the room, hands stuck in his pockets like he's fifteen again. "Hey Maya, sorry, my plane got in early." He turns to her. "Hi Riley."

"Farkle," she breathes. It's been five months since they've seen each other or even spoken, and he looks only slightly better than he did the last time they met.

"I'll never forgive you, Peaches," she hears herself say, and Maya laughs.

"I need to talk to you," Farkle says firmly. "Can we go for a walk?"

"Don't you think we've walked enough to last a lifetime?" Riley hears herself ask, and the corners of her mouth turn up when he smiles. They leave through the back door of the house.

Lucas and Maya have no close neighbors, and so there's almost nowhere to go but around their backyard. They start moving down a grassy hill, and it feels like an hour before Farkle starts talking.

"I'm a single man," he says quietly. Riley doesn't know how to answer, so she doesn't. "Look, Riley, when I said all of that stuff back in the spring…"

"I deserved it. I should have told you forever ago. I should have realized how I felt before I did."

"But you can't control that, and for that I'm sorry," he says. At the end of the property, they find a wooden swing, and they sit down on it before continuing. "I never, ever wanted to be the type of man that would make you cry. After that day, I knew I had to start making changes. Act a little differently. Be the type of man I had always dreamed about being for you. That meant I had to be honest with Lainey."

Riley's eyebrows jump up. "How did that go?"

"She threw one of those ridiculous chairs at me." He shrugs. "As of six weeks ago, we are officially divorced. I think the divorce was the worst part, because she was so _nice_ about everything, and I felt like insisting she get half of everything I own, but she wouldn't take it. She is a good woman."

Riley feels terrible. "If I was any part of breaking the two of you up, I am so sorry."

He shakes his head. "Like I said before, we should have never gotten married in the first place. My heart was not in the right place."

She looks back at the house. "Do you ever wonder how we got here? We're in our thirties, Farkle. By the time my parents were here my dad was already teaching us life lessons using history as a reference."

"But we're not our parents," he reminds her. "And thank goodness for that, because if I was my dad and you were your mom you would never even have considered giving me the time of day."

Riley giggles. "They were kind of friends."

"Friends, archenemies, what's the difference?" He quips.

"Can I say something?" She asks. He nods to her. "I'm sorry it took me so long to realize how I felt about you. You were always a great guy, and you deserved a great relationship and marriage."

"Thanks."

After a few minutes of silence, she looks down to find his hand closing on hers. "Riley, the thing that's driving me forward, is that no matter how old we've been, no matter what year it is and where we live and what we're doing I can't shake the feeling that we belong together."

She looks him in his eyes, the one thing about his appearance that hasn't changed, not since they were in first grade and he used to spell the big words every day in class to try and impress her. He may be stronger now, with stubble on his face and a stronger jawbone and hair no longer in the shape of a bowl, but his eyes have never changed, the way he looks at her has never changed.

"Neither can I." She leans forward, carefully pressing her lips on his. Memories flash as their arms twist around each other, memories of school, and late-nights talking, and books and shared crayons and everything that made them Riley and Farkle, Farkle and Riley. Riley feels warmth spread through her that she hasn't experienced in years, and somehow Farkle knows exactly how to respond to her every movement, just as if they're dancing.

They're not young anymore, and there's nothing they can do about when they were. They can't spend time walking backwards. But they can move forward.

* * *

" _Where did you all go?"_

" _We just had to get away and figure things out, so we went into Austin. We're okay, I promise."_

" _We?"_

" _We."_


End file.
